Fucking Homemade Pizza Jesus Christ

My youngest wanted homemade pizza and I live to serve, so....

July 4th. Thank God it's kind of raining and we're still self-quarantining so we don't have shit to do, just the way I like it. Why not fill up the entire fucking afternoon making 2 completely different homemade pizzas instead of binge watching Ozark on the couch? Jason Bateman is my boyfriend, by the way.

So, pizza #1 is your basic regular crust with all.the.meats. My youngest also requested cheese stuffed crust so I dug out the cheese sticks that everyone wants but no one eats and made it happen. But this reinforced that I needed a second pizza for my oldest; pizza #2 had to be low sodium for him. I've heard rumors of cauliflower crusts that are "so good" and since I had to make a second pizza anyway, I figured I'd try something different. I was determined to only make one pot of sauce though, so both pizzas got low sodium homemade sauce. 

Y'all. My kitchen almost didn't survive. I swear to God, at one point I cleaned cauliflower off the wall. My husband came in halfway through and said, "what the fuck is all over the floor?" Whatever, it happens and it eventually got cleaned up. Point is, do this shit when you have time and energy to devote to it. Of course, if you're only making one pizza, it's not that bad.

You're going to want to start this process with an exceptionally large glass of wine. Sit down for a few minutes, get your mind right, and put on your favorite music. It's dreary here today and I recently watched Clueless, so I opted for Billie Holiday because "I love him."

Also, I don't really know how to share these recipes without doing so the way I made them - in tandem. I guess just skip to the parts you want to know about? 'Merica!

FUCKING HOMEMADE PIZZA JESUS CHRIST

TIME: Eternity

INGREDIENTS:

Pizza Crust #1

1 1/3 cups warm water 

2 1/4 teaspoons instant yeast

1 tablespoon sugar

2 tablespoons olive oil

3/4 tablespoons salt

3 1/2 cups flour

Pizza Crust #2

1 whole cauliflower

2 medium-large zucchini

2 eggs

1 teaspoon oregano

2 teaspoon red pepper flakes

1/2 teaspoon black pepper

1 teaspoon garlic powder

Sauce

12 ounces tomato paste, no salt added (I use Hunt's)

24 ounces tomato sauce, no salt added (again, Hunt's)

1 teaspoon oregano

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon black pepper

1 teaspoon paprika

DIRECTIONS:

The pizza #1 crust has to sit a while so I started with that. Whisk the yeast and sugar in the warm water and let it sit for about 5 minutes. 

Add in the rest of the ingredients a little bit at a time and mix with a wooden spoon until it turns into a dough. Make sure you precisely measure the flour. I don't know why, it just seems like a good thing to do.

Then, dust your hands with flour and get in there. You'll want to kneed the dough for a good 5 minutes. Work it into a ball and then coat it with a thin layer of olive oil. Cover it with a kitchen towel and let it sit for about an hour.

While that's sitting, you can start on the other crust. And fill up that wine glass while you're at it.

Run the cauliflower through a food processor until it's crumbled like cauliflower rice (which is totally NOT rices but whatever). At this point, I began cursing every person I know who ever suggested that I try cauliflower crust because holy shit it stinks! It made my stomach turn but I kept going because I don't believe in conspiracies. The internet told me it would turn out ok, and it did.

Put the cauliflower crumbles in a pot and cover with water. Bring that to a boil for about 5 minutes. Watch it to make sure it doesn't boil over. 

Shred the zucchini in the food processor while you're waiting for the cauliflower to boil. Dump the zucchini on a towel and wring out as much liquid as you can. You want it as dry as possible.

By now, the cauliflower should be done and stinking up your entire house. Your spouse and children will whine and complain about how the smell is making them sick and you'll begin questioning your life choices. Kick them outside and keep going.

Drain the cauliflower through a mesh colander and wring it through a towel just like you did with the zucchini. Just make sure it's fully cooled off first though so you don't scorch your hands like I did. Again, you want it as dry as possible. Try to resist the urge to put butter in it and eat it like a big glorious bowl of grits.

Dump the cauliflower, zucchini, eggs and seasonings in a bowl and mix them together with your hands. Form it all into a well-mixed ball and then press it out onto a lightly greased cookie sheet. I used an 11"x17" cookie sheet. Set that aside to start on the sauce.

Pizza sauce is thicker than spaghetti sauce but the process is pretty similar. Add seasonings to olive oil in a medium sized sauce pan. Add the tomato paste once the pan is hot. Brown the paste for about 5 minutes and then add the sauce. Stir this up until it's well blended, cover, and keep on simmer until ready for use. Also, this makes a lot of sauce. You could probably cut the recipe in half or save some in the freezer.

The regular dough should be pretty much done by now. Kneed it for a few minutes and then also press it out onto a lightly greased pizza pan. This dough should easily fit a 16" pan. If you want to do the stuffed crust, press the dough out about 2" past the pan edge and wrap in your favorite cheese sticks. I used Colby Jack because that's what we had. I was later informed by my husband that was incorrect and I should have used mozzarella string cheese. 

Once that's all done, put both crusts in a 400* oven for about 15 minutes. This will help make sure the crust is cooked thoroughly and crispy in all the right places. 

Remove from the oven, add sauce and whatever toppings you like, and then put it all back in the oven for another 10 minutes. 

Toppings we selected:

Pizza #1 - Ground beef, salami, pepperoni, pancetta, mushrooms and extra cheese.

Pizza #2 - Ground beef, purple onion, mushrooms, tomatoes and light cheese. 

I've got to be honest, both were pretty damn good. Pizza #1 turned out like a legit restaurant pizza. Pizza #2 was almost like school cafeteria pizza. 

NUTRITION:

*From My Fitness Pal, excludes toppings, and wine. Please drink responsibly.

Pizza Crust #1

Pizza Crust #2

Pizza Sauce

Boring Ass No Pot No Sugar Brownies

I've been super nostalgic for the 90s lately. Lots of reasons but mainly because my oldest is 13 now and he is becoming very interested in all sorts of music. Seeing him light up and, for lack of a better phrase, "feel the music" reminds me of when I finally started to get it as well.

1992. I was 15. A friend introduced me to Rage Against the Machine. I've always had a sort of rebellious streak. I need to do my own thing at all times. This is why my husband says it's impossible for me to follow a recipe. (And, that's ridiculously true. I won't even follow recipes I made up myself. I have to be true to whatever I'm feeling for the food at the moment. Fuck that piece of paper telling me what to do, even though I wrote it.) When I heard Zack de la Rocha yell, "fuck you I won't do what you tell me," I finally felt like someone understood me. The rest of the song lyrics didn't matter, and I was honestly too naive to fully understand the song anyway, but that line was a verbal representation of my soul. 

So here I am now. 43 years old. White suburbia. Married, 2 kids, minivan. Wearing a Rage Against the Machine t-shirt while baking brownies from scratch for Father's Day. And not the good kind of brownies either. No, no, these have zero marijuana and zero sugar. They are a double dose of lame. It's wild what changes and what stays the same. 

I originally thought the brownies were pretty good. My husband didn't know they don't have real sugar in them. I've never made from scratch brownies before so I asked him to let me know if they turned out ok. His exact words were, "tastes like brownies."

He was snooping over my shoulder while I was writing this post and said, "Is that why they taste weird? Because you used that stuff in that red package?" I reminded him that he said they were good. He said, "I was being nice! It was your first time making them. That explains why the taste is so off." He went on to describe, in detail, how the flavor was so not a brownie and was more like "what a computer thought a brownie might be." 

We called my oldest son in to taste them. "They're ok but they're not brownies. They taste wet." My husband laughed and said, "yes! I had to double check mine to make sure it was really cooked!" We all had a good laugh at that, especially me because the brownies were actually slightly overcooked and had more of a cake like consistency than a fudgy consistency. Because they were overcooked, they almost turned to powder, like astronaut ice cream, which is why they were giving a wet sensation to the taste. Weird. Anyway, if I hadn't cooked them so long I think they would have turned out much better, so watch the time closely. 

I'm not even sure why I went the no sugar route. My husband's favorite dessert is brownies and it's Father's Day. And he's going to eat them with ice cream and peanut butter anyway so what's the fucking difference? Looking back, that was probably kind of a dick move. Sorry, babe. Love you.

Bottom line, if you want a no sugar brownie substitute, this is a good one. But definitely use real sugar instead of Monkfruit in this recipe if you want normal brownies.

It was about that time my husband saw my shirt and laughed at me. "Are you really wearing a Rage Against the Machine t-shirt? You poser, you are the machine. And don't put that fake sugar shit in any of my food anymore."

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.

BORING ASS NO POT NO SUGAR BROWNIES

TIME: About an hour

INGREDIENTS:

1-1/4 cups Flour
3/4 tsp Baking powder
6 oz Unsweetened baking chocolate
4 Eggs
1 tbsp Vanilla extract

1 tbsp Brewed coffee
2-1/4 cups Monkfruit Sweetner
12 tbsp (1-1/2 sticks) Butter

DIRECTIONS:

I'm just going to go ahead and start with the truth. There is a certain pain in the ass factor to these brownies. Lots of whisking between adding things and some stove-top melting. It's not hard but it is kind of a pain in the ass (that's what she said).

Preheat the oven to 325F. Spray some Pam (or whatever cooking spray you want) all over a 9x13 pan,  line it with wax paper and set it to the side.

Mix the flower and baking powder in a big bowl and set it to the side, too.

Of course, Baker's chocolate only comes in 4oz packages, so you're going to have to get 2 packages and weight out 2oz of the second package to make 6oz. Chop it all up once you get it properly weighed out.

Add the chopped up chocolate and the butter to a saucepan and melt it all up over low heat. You have to whisk it pretty consistently to keep it from burning and because you want to make sure it's all blended up nicely. Seriously, the lower the heat, the better. So take your time here.

It will eventually look like a pot of delicious, smooth and creamy chocolate. But listen to me... you must resist the urge to taste it. I know, it looks so good, but it is a pot of lies. It is bitter and gross and will make you question what you are doing. Learn from my mistakes. And turn off the heat when it gets to this point.

Now is when you make it taste good by adding sweetener and flavor. Very slowly, add in the Monkfruit just a little bit at a time and whisk the hell out of it while you do it. It will turn into a weird, grainy mixture. 

Add in the eggs 1 at a time, whisking in between. It will eventually get smoother once the eggs are fully mixed in.

Add in the coffee and vanilla 1 at a time and whisk in between. It should be nice and smooth by now.

Fold the chocolate mixture into the flour mixture a little bit at a time.

Spread the batter out into the baking pan and put it in the oven for about 30 minutes. Check it with a toothpick. I did that but was not confident that it was fully cooked, so I let it go about 10 minutes over. Don't do that unless you want harder, cakey brownies. It's ok to have a little moisture when you take them out of the oven if you want fudgy brownies.

Finished product:

NUTRITION:
*From MyFitnessPal, uses Monkfruit version. 

Chicken Florentine

My husband is fucking obsessed with The Curse of Oak Island. If you're not familiar, this reality show follows a ridiculously rich group of treasure hunters in Nova Scotia. Basically, some people found a hole a couple hundred years ago and now everyone thinks this hole has some kind of treasure in it. It's interesting and they have found some really strange shit, like super old human bone and metal and leather buried hundreds of feet under ground. 

Leather, like from a book binding. Could it be Shakespeare's original lost manuscripts? (You'll have to watch the show to get that.)

The metal part is what my husband really loves. There's a metal detectorist on the show (who knew that was a career?) with a cool accent and he says things like "holy shamoly." We all get excited when he is on camera and discovers a "top pocket find."

So, naturally, this led to my husband purchasing an absurdly expensive metal detector. I can't knock him too much, it is a pretty cool instrument. He and the boys actually use it fairly often so it's not like it's just sitting in a closet somewhere. But don't get too excited. In the several years since he purchased it, they have only used it in our backyard. 

They've found all sorts of treasures (and I use that term very loosely, but they get so excited with every beep of the detector that it may as well be treasure) in the 1/3 of the yard they have canvassed. They were so excited about today's find that they called me in to sit at the kitchen table with them for an Oak Island War Room style presentation:

"Mommy, we've called you here because we think you will be very interested to see what we have discovered in the backyard today."

I played along. "I'm so pleased that you did. I am grateful to be here with you as you reveal to the world what you have found."

"In order for you to appreciate the gravity of the situation, we have to go back to the beginning of our hunt. As you know, we have uncovered many clues to mystery of the backyard. Over the years, we have found 3 old coins on 3 separate occasions totaling in value of $0.08 (a nickel and 3 pennies), a squashed paint can, a marker from the 1950s, various nails and several other odds and ends, including this broken hinge."

I couldn't resist. "A hinge? Possibly from a treasure chest?"

"Correct. And what we found today supports that theory."

Then, they held up a little silver ring with dolphins on it. A fucking actual piece of jewelry. There will be no stopping them now.

Figured they deserved a yummy dinner as celebration. Here's one of my favorites. Make sure you use a deep pan for this.

CHICKEN FLORENTINE

INGREDIENTS:

1.5 lbs. chicken breasts
4 slices of bacon
1 cup frozen seasoning blend (I use Pictsweet)
3 tsp minced garlic
2 tbsp unsalted butter
2 tbsp flour
5 oz fresh baby spinach
1 cup heavy whipping cream
1 cup water
1/2 tsp black pepper
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp rosemary
15 cherry tomatoes


DIRECTIONS:

Every good recipe starts with pouring yourself a good glass of wine. Tonight's is a great red zinfandel I received from Bright Cellars. 

I should correct myself. Every good recipe starts with wine and bacon. Yes, I cut mine with scissors when I need crumbs. Set the heat on medium-high and fry the cut up bacon. Leave the lid on to collect moisture and just stir it occasionally until it's nice and crispy. Pro tip: Use the lid as a shield so the bacon grease doesn't pop you in the eye. Learned that one the hard way.

Use a slotted spoon to get the bacon out and set it all on a paper towel to drain. Leave the grease in the pan. Now is a good time to drink some of that wine so you don't eat the bacon. 

Cut up the chicken breasts into fairly small chunks and place them in the bacon grease on medium-high heat. Add all of your seasonings now and stir it up well to evenly coat the chicken. Same as before, keep the lid on to collect moisture and stir occasionally until the chicken is cooked through. Then, remove the chicken to drain with the bacon and keep the moisture in the pan.

Now is a good time for a refill on that wine. Cheers.

Add the seasoning blend (I use Pictsweet Frozen Seasoning Blend, aka "Cheater Mix") and minced garlic to the pan and cook it in the moisture left from the chicken and bacon. Still cover it but not as much as with the chicken and bacon. You want to cook out some of that moisture. 

While that's going, you can start the water for your pasta. Drop a couple of teaspoons of olive oil in the water to keep the noodles from sticking.

When the majority of the moisture is cooked out of the pan, add the butter and melt it down. Once melted, add in the spinach. This is why you need a deep pan. The spinach takes up a lot of space until it starts to cook and wilt. Cut the cherry tomatoes in half and add them to the pan once the spinach is about half-way wilted. Cover the pan and reduce the heat to low-medium.

By now, the water for your pasta should be boiling. We use spaghetti but you can use whatever pasta you like. Another pro-tip: Don't just dump the noodles in the boiling water because that will cause the water to fucking explode and spill out all over the sides. Reduce the heat slightly right before you put in the noodles, and put them in s-l-o-w-l-y. Another lesson learned the hard way. Make sure you work the noodles into the water and get them completely covered. Then reduce the heat to low and let them cook for about 12 minutes. Be sure to stir occasionally so the noodles don't stick together.

Over in the other pan, you should have a nice, fragrant and juicy mixture of butter, spinach, tomato and seasonings. It seriously smells so good. Add in the flower and stir that up to thicken the butter almost into a paste. Then, add the heavy cream and combine it well. It will still be pretty thick so add water a little bit at a time until it's at your desired consistency. 

Add the chicken and bacon back to the pan, mix well, and cover. Keep the heat on low-medium until the pasta is ready. Drain the noodles and then you're ready to eat.

My husband and kids eat the sauce over pasta. I eat mine over sautéed zucchini. 

NUTRITION:

*From My Fitness Pal, excludes pasta, zucchini, and wine. Please drink responsibly.