Boring Ass No Pot No Sugar Brownies

I've been super nostalgic for the 90s lately. Lots of reasons but mainly because my oldest is 13 now and he is becoming very interested in all sorts of music. Seeing him light up and, for lack of a better phrase, "feel the music" reminds me of when I finally started to get it as well.

1992. I was 15. A friend introduced me to Rage Against the Machine. I've always had a sort of rebellious streak. I need to do my own thing at all times. This is why my husband says it's impossible for me to follow a recipe. (And, that's ridiculously true. I won't even follow recipes I made up myself. I have to be true to whatever I'm feeling for the food at the moment. Fuck that piece of paper telling me what to do, even though I wrote it.) When I heard Zack de la Rocha yell, "fuck you I won't do what you tell me," I finally felt like someone understood me. The rest of the song lyrics didn't matter, and I was honestly too naive to fully understand the song anyway, but that line was a verbal representation of my soul. 

So here I am now. 43 years old. White suburbia. Married, 2 kids, minivan. Wearing a Rage Against the Machine t-shirt while baking brownies from scratch for Father's Day. And not the good kind of brownies either. No, no, these have zero marijuana and zero sugar. They are a double dose of lame. It's wild what changes and what stays the same. 

I originally thought the brownies were pretty good. My husband didn't know they don't have real sugar in them. I've never made from scratch brownies before so I asked him to let me know if they turned out ok. His exact words were, "tastes like brownies."

He was snooping over my shoulder while I was writing this post and said, "Is that why they taste weird? Because you used that stuff in that red package?" I reminded him that he said they were good. He said, "I was being nice! It was your first time making them. That explains why the taste is so off." He went on to describe, in detail, how the flavor was so not a brownie and was more like "what a computer thought a brownie might be." 

We called my oldest son in to taste them. "They're ok but they're not brownies. They taste wet." My husband laughed and said, "yes! I had to double check mine to make sure it was really cooked!" We all had a good laugh at that, especially me because the brownies were actually slightly overcooked and had more of a cake like consistency than a fudgy consistency. Because they were overcooked, they almost turned to powder, like astronaut ice cream, which is why they were giving a wet sensation to the taste. Weird. Anyway, if I hadn't cooked them so long I think they would have turned out much better, so watch the time closely. 

I'm not even sure why I went the no sugar route. My husband's favorite dessert is brownies and it's Father's Day. And he's going to eat them with ice cream and peanut butter anyway so what's the fucking difference? Looking back, that was probably kind of a dick move. Sorry, babe. Love you.

Bottom line, if you want a no sugar brownie substitute, this is a good one. But definitely use real sugar instead of Monkfruit in this recipe if you want normal brownies.

It was about that time my husband saw my shirt and laughed at me. "Are you really wearing a Rage Against the Machine t-shirt? You poser, you are the machine. And don't put that fake sugar shit in any of my food anymore."

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.

BORING ASS NO POT NO SUGAR BROWNIES

TIME: About an hour

INGREDIENTS:

1-1/4 cups Flour
3/4 tsp Baking powder
6 oz Unsweetened baking chocolate
4 Eggs
1 tbsp Vanilla extract

1 tbsp Brewed coffee
2-1/4 cups Monkfruit Sweetner
12 tbsp (1-1/2 sticks) Butter

DIRECTIONS:

I'm just going to go ahead and start with the truth. There is a certain pain in the ass factor to these brownies. Lots of whisking between adding things and some stove-top melting. It's not hard but it is kind of a pain in the ass (that's what she said).

Preheat the oven to 325F. Spray some Pam (or whatever cooking spray you want) all over a 9x13 pan,  line it with wax paper and set it to the side.

Mix the flower and baking powder in a big bowl and set it to the side, too.

Of course, Baker's chocolate only comes in 4oz packages, so you're going to have to get 2 packages and weight out 2oz of the second package to make 6oz. Chop it all up once you get it properly weighed out.

Add the chopped up chocolate and the butter to a saucepan and melt it all up over low heat. You have to whisk it pretty consistently to keep it from burning and because you want to make sure it's all blended up nicely. Seriously, the lower the heat, the better. So take your time here.

It will eventually look like a pot of delicious, smooth and creamy chocolate. But listen to me... you must resist the urge to taste it. I know, it looks so good, but it is a pot of lies. It is bitter and gross and will make you question what you are doing. Learn from my mistakes. And turn off the heat when it gets to this point.

Now is when you make it taste good by adding sweetener and flavor. Very slowly, add in the Monkfruit just a little bit at a time and whisk the hell out of it while you do it. It will turn into a weird, grainy mixture. 

Add in the eggs 1 at a time, whisking in between. It will eventually get smoother once the eggs are fully mixed in.

Add in the coffee and vanilla 1 at a time and whisk in between. It should be nice and smooth by now.

Fold the chocolate mixture into the flour mixture a little bit at a time.

Spread the batter out into the baking pan and put it in the oven for about 30 minutes. Check it with a toothpick. I did that but was not confident that it was fully cooked, so I let it go about 10 minutes over. Don't do that unless you want harder, cakey brownies. It's ok to have a little moisture when you take them out of the oven if you want fudgy brownies.

Finished product:

NUTRITION:
*From MyFitnessPal, uses Monkfruit version.