Boring Ass No Pot No Sugar Brownies

I've been super nostalgic for the 90s lately. Lots of reasons but mainly because my oldest is 13 now and he is becoming very interested in all sorts of music. Seeing him light up and, for lack of a better phrase, "feel the music" reminds me of when I finally started to get it as well.

1992. I was 15. A friend introduced me to Rage Against the Machine. I've always had a sort of rebellious streak. I need to do my own thing at all times. This is why my husband says it's impossible for me to follow a recipe. (And, that's ridiculously true. I won't even follow recipes I made up myself. I have to be true to whatever I'm feeling for the food at the moment. Fuck that piece of paper telling me what to do, even though I wrote it.) When I heard Zack de la Rocha yell, "fuck you I won't do what you tell me," I finally felt like someone understood me. The rest of the song lyrics didn't matter, and I was honestly too naive to fully understand the song anyway, but that line was a verbal representation of my soul. 

So here I am now. 43 years old. White suburbia. Married, 2 kids, minivan. Wearing a Rage Against the Machine t-shirt while baking brownies from scratch for Father's Day. And not the good kind of brownies either. No, no, these have zero marijuana and zero sugar. They are a double dose of lame. It's wild what changes and what stays the same. 

I originally thought the brownies were pretty good. My husband didn't know they don't have real sugar in them. I've never made from scratch brownies before so I asked him to let me know if they turned out ok. His exact words were, "tastes like brownies."

He was snooping over my shoulder while I was writing this post and said, "Is that why they taste weird? Because you used that stuff in that red package?" I reminded him that he said they were good. He said, "I was being nice! It was your first time making them. That explains why the taste is so off." He went on to describe, in detail, how the flavor was so not a brownie and was more like "what a computer thought a brownie might be." 

We called my oldest son in to taste them. "They're ok but they're not brownies. They taste wet." My husband laughed and said, "yes! I had to double check mine to make sure it was really cooked!" We all had a good laugh at that, especially me because the brownies were actually slightly overcooked and had more of a cake like consistency than a fudgy consistency. Because they were overcooked, they almost turned to powder, like astronaut ice cream, which is why they were giving a wet sensation to the taste. Weird. Anyway, if I hadn't cooked them so long I think they would have turned out much better, so watch the time closely. 

I'm not even sure why I went the no sugar route. My husband's favorite dessert is brownies and it's Father's Day. And he's going to eat them with ice cream and peanut butter anyway so what's the fucking difference? Looking back, that was probably kind of a dick move. Sorry, babe. Love you.

Bottom line, if you want a no sugar brownie substitute, this is a good one. But definitely use real sugar instead of Monkfruit in this recipe if you want normal brownies.

It was about that time my husband saw my shirt and laughed at me. "Are you really wearing a Rage Against the Machine t-shirt? You poser, you are the machine. And don't put that fake sugar shit in any of my food anymore."

Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me.

BORING ASS NO POT NO SUGAR BROWNIES

TIME: About an hour

INGREDIENTS:

1-1/4 cups Flour
3/4 tsp Baking powder
6 oz Unsweetened baking chocolate
4 Eggs
1 tbsp Vanilla extract

1 tbsp Brewed coffee
2-1/4 cups Monkfruit Sweetner
12 tbsp (1-1/2 sticks) Butter

DIRECTIONS:

I'm just going to go ahead and start with the truth. There is a certain pain in the ass factor to these brownies. Lots of whisking between adding things and some stove-top melting. It's not hard but it is kind of a pain in the ass (that's what she said).

Preheat the oven to 325F. Spray some Pam (or whatever cooking spray you want) all over a 9x13 pan,  line it with wax paper and set it to the side.

Mix the flower and baking powder in a big bowl and set it to the side, too.

Of course, Baker's chocolate only comes in 4oz packages, so you're going to have to get 2 packages and weight out 2oz of the second package to make 6oz. Chop it all up once you get it properly weighed out.

Add the chopped up chocolate and the butter to a saucepan and melt it all up over low heat. You have to whisk it pretty consistently to keep it from burning and because you want to make sure it's all blended up nicely. Seriously, the lower the heat, the better. So take your time here.

It will eventually look like a pot of delicious, smooth and creamy chocolate. But listen to me... you must resist the urge to taste it. I know, it looks so good, but it is a pot of lies. It is bitter and gross and will make you question what you are doing. Learn from my mistakes. And turn off the heat when it gets to this point.

Now is when you make it taste good by adding sweetener and flavor. Very slowly, add in the Monkfruit just a little bit at a time and whisk the hell out of it while you do it. It will turn into a weird, grainy mixture. 

Add in the eggs 1 at a time, whisking in between. It will eventually get smoother once the eggs are fully mixed in.

Add in the coffee and vanilla 1 at a time and whisk in between. It should be nice and smooth by now.

Fold the chocolate mixture into the flour mixture a little bit at a time.

Spread the batter out into the baking pan and put it in the oven for about 30 minutes. Check it with a toothpick. I did that but was not confident that it was fully cooked, so I let it go about 10 minutes over. Don't do that unless you want harder, cakey brownies. It's ok to have a little moisture when you take them out of the oven if you want fudgy brownies.

Finished product:

NUTRITION:
*From MyFitnessPal, uses Monkfruit version. 

Chicken Florentine

My husband is fucking obsessed with The Curse of Oak Island. If you're not familiar, this reality show follows a ridiculously rich group of treasure hunters in Nova Scotia. Basically, some people found a hole a couple hundred years ago and now everyone thinks this hole has some kind of treasure in it. It's interesting and they have found some really strange shit, like super old human bone and metal and leather buried hundreds of feet under ground. 

Leather, like from a book binding. Could it be Shakespeare's original lost manuscripts? (You'll have to watch the show to get that.)

The metal part is what my husband really loves. There's a metal detectorist on the show (who knew that was a career?) with a cool accent and he says things like "holy shamoly." We all get excited when he is on camera and discovers a "top pocket find."

So, naturally, this led to my husband purchasing an absurdly expensive metal detector. I can't knock him too much, it is a pretty cool instrument. He and the boys actually use it fairly often so it's not like it's just sitting in a closet somewhere. But don't get too excited. In the several years since he purchased it, they have only used it in our backyard. 

They've found all sorts of treasures (and I use that term very loosely, but they get so excited with every beep of the detector that it may as well be treasure) in the 1/3 of the yard they have canvassed. They were so excited about today's find that they called me in to sit at the kitchen table with them for an Oak Island War Room style presentation:

"Mommy, we've called you here because we think you will be very interested to see what we have discovered in the backyard today."

I played along. "I'm so pleased that you did. I am grateful to be here with you as you reveal to the world what you have found."

"In order for you to appreciate the gravity of the situation, we have to go back to the beginning of our hunt. As you know, we have uncovered many clues to mystery of the backyard. Over the years, we have found 3 old coins on 3 separate occasions totaling in value of $0.08 (a nickel and 3 pennies), a squashed paint can, a marker from the 1950s, various nails and several other odds and ends, including this broken hinge."

I couldn't resist. "A hinge? Possibly from a treasure chest?"

"Correct. And what we found today supports that theory."

Then, they held up a little silver ring with dolphins on it. A fucking actual piece of jewelry. There will be no stopping them now.

Figured they deserved a yummy dinner as celebration. Here's one of my favorites. Make sure you use a deep pan for this.

CHICKEN FLORENTINE

INGREDIENTS:

1.5 lbs. chicken breasts
4 slices of bacon
1 cup frozen seasoning blend (I use Pictsweet)
3 tsp minced garlic
2 tbsp unsalted butter
2 tbsp flour
5 oz fresh baby spinach
1 cup heavy whipping cream
1 cup water
1/2 tsp black pepper
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp rosemary
15 cherry tomatoes


DIRECTIONS:

Every good recipe starts with pouring yourself a good glass of wine. Tonight's is a great red zinfandel I received from Bright Cellars. 

I should correct myself. Every good recipe starts with wine and bacon. Yes, I cut mine with scissors when I need crumbs. Set the heat on medium-high and fry the cut up bacon. Leave the lid on to collect moisture and just stir it occasionally until it's nice and crispy. Pro tip: Use the lid as a shield so the bacon grease doesn't pop you in the eye. Learned that one the hard way.

Use a slotted spoon to get the bacon out and set it all on a paper towel to drain. Leave the grease in the pan. Now is a good time to drink some of that wine so you don't eat the bacon. 

Cut up the chicken breasts into fairly small chunks and place them in the bacon grease on medium-high heat. Add all of your seasonings now and stir it up well to evenly coat the chicken. Same as before, keep the lid on to collect moisture and stir occasionally until the chicken is cooked through. Then, remove the chicken to drain with the bacon and keep the moisture in the pan.

Now is a good time for a refill on that wine. Cheers.

Add the seasoning blend (I use Pictsweet Frozen Seasoning Blend, aka "Cheater Mix") and minced garlic to the pan and cook it in the moisture left from the chicken and bacon. Still cover it but not as much as with the chicken and bacon. You want to cook out some of that moisture. 

While that's going, you can start the water for your pasta. Drop a couple of teaspoons of olive oil in the water to keep the noodles from sticking.

When the majority of the moisture is cooked out of the pan, add the butter and melt it down. Once melted, add in the spinach. This is why you need a deep pan. The spinach takes up a lot of space until it starts to cook and wilt. Cut the cherry tomatoes in half and add them to the pan once the spinach is about half-way wilted. Cover the pan and reduce the heat to low-medium.

By now, the water for your pasta should be boiling. We use spaghetti but you can use whatever pasta you like. Another pro-tip: Don't just dump the noodles in the boiling water because that will cause the water to fucking explode and spill out all over the sides. Reduce the heat slightly right before you put in the noodles, and put them in s-l-o-w-l-y. Another lesson learned the hard way. Make sure you work the noodles into the water and get them completely covered. Then reduce the heat to low and let them cook for about 12 minutes. Be sure to stir occasionally so the noodles don't stick together.

Over in the other pan, you should have a nice, fragrant and juicy mixture of butter, spinach, tomato and seasonings. It seriously smells so good. Add in the flower and stir that up to thicken the butter almost into a paste. Then, add the heavy cream and combine it well. It will still be pretty thick so add water a little bit at a time until it's at your desired consistency. 

Add the chicken and bacon back to the pan, mix well, and cover. Keep the heat on low-medium until the pasta is ready. Drain the noodles and then you're ready to eat.

My husband and kids eat the sauce over pasta. I eat mine over sautéed zucchini. 

NUTRITION:

*From My Fitness Pal, excludes pasta, zucchini, and wine. Please drink responsibly.

Curry Chicken

My mother-in-law is from Jamaica and she brought all sorts of delicious recipes with her to the United States. With a rich culinary culture including African, East Indian and Chinese influences added to the indigenous Caribbean ingredients, Jamaica is one of the most beautiful food destinations in the world. We are proud of this heritage and gladly cook this particular recipe from my husband's grandmother at least 2-3 times per month. We had to modify the original recipe slightly to prepare it faster and make it low in sodium, but it is still rich in flavor and savory with curry and lemon juice.

But here's the thing about this recipe. I cannot even smell it without drinking a glass of red wine. The heavier the better. You'll definitely want a full bodied, spicy merlot with this. It's so damn good together. 

I'm an emotional cook and eater. Curry Chicken with red wine is a feeling of family. It is comfort and security. It is laughter and love. This recipe, simply put, makes me happy.

Quick shoutout to some fav Jamaica peeps - If you're ever in Jamaica, be sure to check out The Blue House, boutique bed and breakfast. "Their third generation Chinese Jamaican family of Innkeepers, led by the affable well-travelled Elise Yap, her brother Darryl, the "Barefoot Chef" and their Mom Gloria, will welcome you like long-time friends and treasured family." That's what the website says. I say they're fucking amazing and the food is even better.

CURRY CHICKEN

TIME: About 45 minutes

INGREDIENTS:

1.5 pounds boneless, skinless chicken thighs
4 tablespoons curry powder
2 tablespoons olive oil
4 teaspoons minced garlic
1 teaspoon black pepper
1.5 cups of uncooked rice
3 cups of water
1 package of frozen spinach
Lemon juice

DIRECTIONS:

Place olive oil and minced garlic in pan over medium-high heat. Stir frequently until garlic is slightly browned.


Dice chicken and add to pan. Brown chicken about 80%.


Add curry powder and stir to evenly coat chicken.


Cover and reduce heat to medium while starting rice and spinach.

Now, it is time for a nice glass of your favorite full-bodied red wine.


To start rice, boil 3 cups of water.


To start spinach, remove from package (frozen or fresh), place in a different pot and cover with water. Place over low heat.


By this time, there should be some liquid collected in the pan with the chicken. Stir it up a bit and add one cup of water and black pepper. Then cover again and reduce heat to low.





Rice water should be boiling by now. Add 1.5 cups of rice when the water comes to a boil. Cover and reduce heat to low. Set a timer for 20 minutes. Be sure to keep the rice, the chicken and the spinach all covered and there is no need to stir.


Drain the spinach when the timer goes off. The rice should be evenly cooked and the chicken should be tender.


Serve Curry Chicken over rice and spinach. Add lemon juice at the table in place of salt. And have another glass of wine.



NUTRITION:
*From MyFitnessPal, excludes rice, spinach, and wine. Please drink responsibly.